This Time Forever Read online

  “That’s great! It’s just not the same with you in Alaska and Zack in France. And those little twins of yours—we can’t wait to see them.”

  “They’re a handful, but so cute. Forest is rather loud, though. Jesse keeps threatening to buy us earplugs and him a muzzle.”

  Mickelle giggled. “Sounds like Jesse. But I’ll bet he’s a big help.”

  “Except with the diapers! Do you believe I can get him to wash all the dishes—by hand, mind you—and make all the beds if I agree to let him out of just one diaper change? It’s really funny.”

  “At least you get a lot of chores done.”

  “That’s right. I’ve only done the dinner dishes twice since the babies came.” Brionney’s laughter showed she knew who had the best of that bargain.

  “You’ll have to call the minute you know what day you’ll be here,” Mickelle told her. “We’ll have a big dinner at Mom and Dad’s.”

  “Sounds good. In fact, if I know Mom, she’s already planned the menu.”

  “What about a place to live?”

  “I asked Dad last week to find us a house. And one for Jesse’s partner as well.”

  “So what’s holding you up? From coming back to Utah, I mean.”

  “Jesse has one more contract to fill, and then we’re done. Some friends of ours were having some trouble with their baby, and we felt we should—well, never mind. Everything’s okay now. We’re coming home for sure. Jesse’s very excited about this new business he and our friend are setting up. They’ve already got most of the program written, and five hospitals have agreed to test it out. Imagine that!”

  “Sounds promising.” Mickelle felt a twinge of envy but remembered her sister had experienced her share of trials. Her first marriage had failed miserably, and then she and Jesse had gone through financial difficulties and a miscarriage that had severely tested their faith and their relationship. “I’m glad for you. I really am. You deserve the best. I know it hasn’t been easy.”

  “It’ll only mean more in the end,” Brionney answered. “Look, I’d better get going. Forest is screaming again in the other room, and the girls need me to fix their hair for church. You take care now.”

  “Give my love to Jesse and the kids.”

  “I will.”

  Mickelle hung up and placed the phone on the couch cushion. She started at a sound from the doorway. “Riley! How long have you been there?”

  He leaned his sturdy frame slightly forward, his hands thrust deep into his pockets. “Who was on the phone?”

  “Brionney.”

  He grunted.

  “What’s that supposed to mean?”

  “I hope you didn’t talk a lot. It’s long distance to Alaska.”

  “Don’t worry. She called me. We won’t have to pay.”

  Riley didn’t reply. He slumped onto his favorite chair.

  “So what happened in your interview?”

  “I got released from teaching.”

  Mickelle smiled. “Hey, that’s great! You kept saying you didn’t like teaching. So did they ask you to do something else?”

  “Yeah. Something with the men’s sports, I guess.” He gave a disgusted snort. “Can you imagine me and sports? With all the hours I work. Sometimes I just don’t get it.”

  “It’ll be fun. You wanted to be with the men, and now you are. Big time.” And maybe it’ll help you lose weight, she added silently. He’d begun to complain that his clothes were getting too tight.

  Riley continued to act morose, almost as though he had been demoted. Mickelle wanted to tell him to snap out of his bad attitude but knew from experience that he would retaliate until she was brought to tears. She opted to ignore him and went about helping the boys find their ties and matching socks, though neither Bryan nor Jeremy had the least qualm about wearing one blue and one black sock.

  At church, Riley seemed to relax, and even made a comment about this being the last time he had to prepare a lesson during the meeting. Mickelle smiled, thinking that the Lord had blessed them. Perhaps what Riley needed was a break, where he could learn from the speakers and feel the Spirit.

  After the meeting, Mickelle went to the nursery, where she had been serving for the past two years. She loved being with the little children. Their eyes were so innocent, so trusting, and she loved them with her whole heart. Today she had a new reason for enjoying her calling: her cycle was late, and she could, if only for one day, dream that next year at this time she would be holding her own little daughter.

  * * * * *

  The next day, Mickelle paused in her housework to read a bit. But she didn’t devour her novel as she normally did. Instead, she picked up the book on abuse and began to thumb through it, reading snatches here and there that interested her.

  Some of the questions on a “risk chart” amazed her. Does your partner act possessive of your time? Does your partner question your every move when you are away? Do you feel the need to ask permission to do things? Are outside friendships discouraged? Does your partner control your access to money? Are you afraid to speak your mind for fear of offending your partner and starting a fight? Does your partner call you names or yell at you? Do you make excuses for your partner’s behavior?

  She felt uncomfortable reading the list, seeing too much of herself and Riley. She caressed her bloated stomach, wondering if it now held the daughter she had craved, or if her cycle was late because of stress. What if she was pregnant? How would she tell Riley? Why should she have to worry about telling him?

  “We have to get help.” She whispered the words aloud, feeling their truthfulness. There was no longer any room to deny what was happening in her life. She needed to feel the peace and happiness she believed she and Riley were capable of creating.

  I can do it, she thought. I can take control of my life. As she thought it, she felt immense relief that deep down Riley was a good man and he loved her. He might do a lot of things wrong, but he did a lot of good things, too. She doubted he had any inkling of his abuse at all. Mickelle shuddered and said a silent prayer on behalf of the women in the world who were in a much worse position. She didn’t think she would be strong enough to face their trials.

  But I am strong enough to face this, or the Lord would not have given it to me. This Mickelle firmly believed. She knelt at her bed and said a prayer, asking the Lord to help her reach into the essence of who she was—His daughter—and find the courage it would take to lead her family to happiness.

  A strange elation settled over her. She sang as she completed her housework, surprised that it went so quickly. Later, she took Sasha for a walk, noting the beauty of the late morning. This was the last day of April, and already the May flowers were out in abundance. She drove to the store and bought a flat of pansies to plant in the yard near her rosebushes, whistling as she did. When the boys arrived home, she had fresh chocolate chip cookies waiting.

  “Great, Mom!” they shouted. She watched them devour the cookies, their lips framed with milk moustaches and chocolate smudges. Like a scene from a movie—how easy everything had gone today. And with so much time to spare! She felt as though she had awakened from a deep sleep, a depression that had saturated her life until each day had been a trial and a thing to be endured, rather than a celebration, a gift from God.

  She helped the boys with their homework and then went outside to play soccer with them in the backyard. Sasha barked happily as she ran after them on the grass. Mickelle laughed, lifting her face to the sun. Dinner tonight would have to be frozen corn dogs, because she wasn’t going to let this precious opportunity with her sons go to waste.

  They were still playing when Riley arrived home. With a little encouragement, he joined in their game. Giggles and mock screams filled the backyard. At last Mickelle fell to the ground, exhausted but content. “Well, that was an impromptu family night if I ever saw one. What do you say we heat some corn dogs in the microwave and make some caramel popcorn to finish out the night?”

  “Yay!” the
boys shouted.

  Bryan added, “We can play Monopoly!”

  “Okay, but only until bedtime,” she warned.

  Riley helped her up from the grass. Mickelle hugged him, and his familiar scent filled her nose. She felt a twinge of nervousness, knowing that she would eventually have to talk to him about seeing a marriage counselor, but she banished the thought from her mind. I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it.

  When the boys were in bed, Mickelle changed into her nightshirt. She found Riley in the living room with the television on, but he wasn’t watching the movie. “What’s this?” he asked, holding up a college brochure.

  A knot formed in her stomach, but she forced herself to reply honestly. “Oh, I picked it up at the library last week. At first it was just an idea, but I’ve been thinking about it and I’d really like to start taking classes. You know, one at a time. Utah Valley University isn’t too far away.”

  Riley’s face was devoid of all expression. “Isn’t that expensive?”

  “I may be able to get a scholarship. Of course then I’d have to take more classes. I don’t know. I thought that with your raise, maybe we could afford a class. We could budget for it.”

  “Why do you have to go back to school?”

  The knot in her stomach grew heavy, and her hands involuntarily clenched into fists. She took a deep breath. “The kids are getting older. Soon they’ll be gone. I need to do something with my life.”

  “You are doing something. You’re a mother and a wife, for heaven’s sake.”

  “I can do this, too.” She took a few steps toward him. “There are a lot of hours in the day.”

  Riley’s bottom lip jutted out, and now Mickelle recognized the expression: he was jealous. “Are you sure you aren’t going so you can meet guys?” His voice was light, but she knew he was completely serious.

  She fought rising panic and fury. Why did she feel so helpless? “Don’t be ridiculous! I’d be going for an education.”

  “Well, we don’t have the money, so there’s really no point in talking about it.”

  She touched her abdomen, remembering the daughter of her dreams. “But I want to go.”

  Mickelle saw his surprise. Ordinarily, she would have backed off by now. No, she wouldn’t have even brought it up. She would have deflected his first question by throwing the college brochure away.

  “You don’t need to go,” he insisted. “You could work on the house or yard if you need something to do. Heck,” he smirked, “you could make a real dinner instead of corn dogs.”

  She knew what he was really saying—that she wasn’t worth the added expense. That she wasn’t trustworthy, so he needed to keep track of her whereabouts. That she was a failure at being a wife and homemaker. Deep feelings of hurt began in her heart, but at the last minute Mickelle remembered that she had control of her emotions, and no matter what he said or did to her, she chose whether or not she would be happy.

  She counted for a full five seconds and then forced a little chuckle. Remarkably, the hurt went away. She even felt sorry for him. “Oh, Riley. That’s funny. I would much rather play soccer with the boys than make dinner. And in case you hadn’t noticed, our yard looks great. Didn’t you see the flowers I planted today? And the peas in the garden have already grown more than a foot. I love taking care of our home and you and the boys. But please listen to what I’m saying. I want to go to school. I want to learn.”

  His lips pursed as though tasting something sour. “I don’t have the money to give you.”

  “Maybe I should get a job in the mornings while the boys are at school.”

  “No way,” he growled.

  Mickelle knew it wasn’t her suggestion that inflamed him, but the fact that she was holding her ground. She was taking control of her life instead of allowing him to control her.

  Without another word, she turned and left the room. She climbed into bed and lay there without sleeping. Misery was close by, but she refused to let it settle over her in its customary place. Today had been wonderful, and already she could see that happiness was attainable. It wasn’t as easy as it had seemed this morning, but she wasn’t going to give up. She would fight for every moment of happiness—if not for herself, then for the children.

  She loved Riley very much. This was a fact that she admitted freely to herself. When it was good between them, it was very good; when it wasn’t, she wanted to run away and hide. But this time she would fight to find and keep the best of what their life had to offer.

  She was beginning to feel sleepy when Riley entered the room. He came to her side of the bed and sat down. “Are you awake?” he asked.

  “Yes.” She sat up.

  His face was barely discernible by the light coming from the streetlight outside their bedroom window. “I’m sorry,” he said in a cajoling voice. “I’ve been thinking about it, and maybe I do understand why you want to go to school.”

  Mickelle waited for more. He peered at her, but it was obvious that his eyes hadn’t yet adjusted to the dim light of the room. If they had, he would see that she wasn’t hurt by his earlier comments.

  “Can you forgive me?” he asked.

  Still, she held her peace. She wanted him to think about what he was saying.

  He added forlornly, “You don’t want a divorce, do you?”

  Fury overcame her. As usual, he was using the words to evoke her pity, her sense of duty, her approval. And perhaps even as a threat. This time she wasn’t going to let him get away with it.

  “Yes, I do,” she answered tightly, her heart racing at her audacity. “If you don’t start treating me better, then, yes, I want a divorce.”

  She heard a swift intake of air as he gasped in surprise. She couldn’t see clearly in the dark, but she knew his square features would be turning a dark crimson. His mouth contorted, and for a moment she thought he was going to lose control and lash out physically. Fear swept through her, swift and paralyzing.

  He swallowed noisily. “You really want a divorce? Am I that bad?” In the dark he looked pasty white, as though the color had suddenly fled from his face.

  Mickelle shook her head. She gazed at him earnestly, willing him to hear and understand as he had never done before. “I love you, Riley. Very, very much. I want to stay with you. But I’ve realized in the past few weeks that love isn’t enough. I can’t let you emotionally abuse me anymore. I won’t let you control my life. I deserve the same respect and care I give to you.”

  “I respect you.”

  “No, you don’t. We need to find someone to help us. We need to see a marriage counselor.”

  “Is this all because you want to go to school?”

  “No!” Mickelle leaned toward him. “This is about us being partners for eternity.”

  The muscles in his cheek rippled as his jaw clenched. “You’re trying to make me let you go to school.”

  Mickelle nearly laughed at his observation. “Make you let me go? Oh, no, Riley; I’m going to school, period. I would like your approval, but I don’t need to ask your permission. I’m not a child. If you don’t like it, you can . . .” She didn’t know exactly how to finish the sentence. All she wanted was to attend one little class, to get out of the house for a while. She might not even want to continue, but she needed a chance to find out. She needed a chance to grow without Riley constantly looking over her shoulder, threatening her.

  Emitting a feral growl from the back of his throat, Riley whirled on his heel and left the room. In a moment, Mickelle heard the door to the house slam shut behind him, and seconds later the motor of his truck roared to life.

  A long time passed as she lay in bed, contemplating what she would do the next day. According to the brochure, new classes began tomorrow, so she might still have time to register. But where would she come up with the tuition? Maybe it would be better to wait until June, when another session would begin. That way Riley would have time to adjust to the idea, and she would have a chance to find the money.

&nb
sp; Mickelle fell asleep, her dilemma unresolved. She awoke once in the night when Riley returned, but he didn’t come into the bedroom. Normally she would have gone to him and tried to get him to talk about it, but this time she let him alone.

  He’ll have to work it out himself, she thought. As for me, I’m going to begin celebrating life.

  * * * * *

  The next morning, Riley was sullen and wouldn’t speak to her. She purposely talked to him as though nothing had happened, but she didn’t try to draw him out of his shell or ask him to talk about his feelings as she normally did. As she made pancakes and helped the boys gather their school books, she whistled or sang. After a while, she didn’t have to force her enthusiasm; she really was happy. She was in control of her own emotions. What a wonderful feeling!

  After Riley and the children left, she changed Jeremy’s wet sheets and finished cleaning the kitchen. Looking around with satisfaction, she thought fleetingly of the novels under her bed but decided to read them later. Right now she still had a lot to do. She made a few calls to the university and found she could register, but there was still the problem of money. Of course, she could just show up and sit in on a class, but that really wouldn’t be the same thing. She wanted to prove to herself that she could go back and earn good grades.

  Only a little deflated, she decided to drive to her mother’s home in Provo. In the car, she sang the Primary songs she had been teaching the children in the nursery. The joy of the gospel swelled in her heart. What a beautiful day, she thought.

  When she arrived at her parents’ home, her mother wasn’t there, so she used her spare key. The house was spotless, and everything looked so elegant that for a moment, she couldn’t help comparing it to her own shabby existence.

  Then she spied the piano in the living room. She’d taken lessons for three years as a child, but the only one in their family who played well was Zack. Growing up, everyone had always considered the piano to be his. She still did, although he had a new one in his home in France.