Before I Say Goodbye Read online

  After long minutes, the tension began easing from her body. I drew my fingers over her forehead to smooth out the furrows. “Relax,” I said. “Let the pain roll through you and out the other side.”

  I was stiff when I realized she was finally sleeping. She looked like a child under the blanket, except for her face, which was deeply furrowed even in sleep. Still-drying tears stood out on her cheeks. This wasn’t normal. Why hadn’t her doctor given her something more helpful?

  I looked at the bottle once again, but I wasn’t familiar with the medication. As I put it back, my hand hit against her purse on the nightstand, knocking it to the floor where it wedged between the nightstand and the bed. Sighing, I leaned over and tugged it loose, pulling too hard and sending the purse and the contents flying in all directions.

  The first thing I noticed were the prescription bottles, at least three. No, four. None of the names were familiar to me. What was going on here? I looked at Rikki. She looked so normal lying there, and for a moment I imagined the little girl she’d been when she knew Dante.

  Replacing everything inside the purse, I went next door to check on the children. All were asleep, and since I didn’t dare leave Rikki alone, I decided to let them remain where they were. I could check on them again later.

  Back in Rikki’s room, I headed to the bathroom, gagging over the mess I found there on the floor. Someone had been repeatedly sick and hadn’t made it to the toilet. I turned on the fan and began cleaning up the mess. Not exactly the way I’d planned to spend my night away from home.

  Afterward, I slipped into a fitful sleep on the other bed, waking twice to check on Rikki and the kids. Rikki didn’t stir, though once she cried out in her sleep.

  In the morning I awoke to more gagging in the bathroom. “Rikki?” I asked outside the door. “You okay?”

  “I will be. Just a moment.” The toilet flushed, and she came out, a smile on her face. A smile I might have believed if I hadn’t lived through this night with her.

  I held out the pills Kyle had given me. “Need these?”

  “Thanks.” She opened the cap and downed a pill without water.

  “So,” I said. “Are you going to tell me what’s really wrong?”

  She blinked. “Nothing’s wrong.”

  I folded my hands over my stomach. “Try again, Rikki. You have a bagful of medicines with names I can’t pronounce. And you look like death warmed over. What’s wrong?”

  Rikki sagged against the wall. “I have seizures sometimes, that’s all. But I’m fine. Honest. By breakfast, last night will be nothing but a bad memory.”

  She didn’t look healthy enough to go anywhere. “But—”

  She raised a hand. “Please, Becca. I want to do this. I want to see the gardens with you, maybe stop and do a little shopping somewhere, and then we’ll come home and get in the pool with the kids. It’ll be our last real outing for a long time.”

  Her eyes begged, and it was a relief to let her persuade me. If Rikki said she was fine, who was I to object? “Let’s wake up the kids, then. There’s still plenty of time for breakfast before we go.”

  She gave me a wide smile and pushed off from the wall. “Great.”

  The children were already awake and waiting for us—but not one of them was happy. We had no sooner opened the door when Lauren and James burst outside their door, Lauren in her day clothes and James still in his pajamas. “Mom, James is being rude,” Lauren exclaimed. “He’s not my friend anymore, and I’m not going to play with him.”

  “I’m not playing with you, either!” James marched into Rikki’s room.

  Allia poked her head out the door. She was dressed. “Good, you’re here. Kyle’s locked herself in the bathroom, and she won’t come out. How am I supposed to get ready? It wasn’t my fault she saw the shorts that matched one of the shirts we gave her. I didn’t realize she’d guess we’d given her the clothes.”

  Rikki and I exchanged a glance. “You take the little kids,” I told her. “I’ll deal with the older ones.” I’d rather juggle a childish argument over the TV or how to split a granola bar than mediate between teenage girls any day, but Rikki looked dead on her feet so I couldn’t hand that off to her, even if her daughter was the one upset.

  “She won’t come out,” Rikki said. “Not till she calms down. I’ve tried begging her before. It doesn’t work.”

  I smiled. “Then you’ll have plenty of time to get James and yourself dressed. Allia, you watch Lauren. Take her for a walk or something. We’ll have breakfast in a bit. Don’t go far.”

  Rikki shrugged. “Suit yourself. If it doesn’t work, we’ll eat breakfast and then I’ll talk to her.”

  “Okay.” I turned into the room.

  I knocked on the bathroom door, faking a bravado I was far from feeling. “Okay, Kyle, everyone’s gone. Open the door and let me get ready. I’m here to see some gardens. I want them every bit as much as you want your dancing, so open up.”

  I waited. Aside from forcing the lock, there was really nothing I could do.

  Moments ticked by. “Please,” I said.

  A tiny click, and the door opened.

  Chapter Twenty-Seven

  Kyle

  I opened the bathroom door because Sister Rushton had been nice to me and hadn’t ratted on me to Mom about why I’d been shoplifting.

  I started past her, but her voice stopped me. “Kyle, what’s wrong? You know what happened the last time you wouldn’t talk to somebody. We ended up at the police station.”

  I whirled toward her. “Someone should have told me those clothes were from Allia!” My voice was louder than I intended. “It’s just weird using her stuff, like I’m some sort of charity case.” Face flaming, I stalked to the bed where James and I’d slept last night. Mom should have told me, I meant, but I didn’t want to say that.

  Sister Rushton came after me. “Is it really so bad? You and Allia are friends. You wore one of her shirts to Mutual the other night, and when she grows out of it, she’ll probably give it to you. If you had something that was too big, and Allia wanted to wear it, wouldn’t you let her?”

  That made me stop and think. Yeah, someone should have told me so I didn’t look like an idiot showing off to Allia the clothes she’d given me, but I wouldn’t have refused them if I’d known. I probably would have worn them more often. Allia was so beautiful and popular and—

  “She hates my makeup,” I said in a low voice. We’d been in the bathroom together when I’d noticed the shorts that matched my hand-me-down shirt at home and finally made the connection. Maybe I wouldn’t have reacted so badly if I hadn’t forgotten to pack my nose ring to wear last night. That meant the hole was going to close and when Mom finally let me wear it again, I’d have to go through all that pain to get it done again. Even the idea made my eyes water. Don’t think about that now, I told myself. “Anyway, she keeps bugging me to do it different.”

  Sister Rushton thought for a moment. “What do you want to do?”

  “I want to be normal. I don’t want to feel . . .” Feel scared all the time. Not anything I’d tell her, but maybe I could say something. “Mom’s acting weird. She’s taking a lot of pills. I looked one up at school, and it’s for seizures. I didn’t even know she had seizures.”

  “I just learned that myself. Why don’t you ask her about them?”

  “I don’t know.” That wasn’t exactly true. I was afraid, I guess. She’d changed so much this year. What was it with Sister Rushton, anyway? One moment we were talking about makeup and the next about my mother. It was like I couldn’t keep anything from her.

  Sister Rushton sat down beside me. “Kyle, it may not make sense, but I’m sure there’s a reason for the pills and for your mother’s behavior. I mean, she doesn’t act like she’s drugged, does she? Talk to her—about the pills and about the danc
ing. Tell her how you feel. Whatever is up with her, you won’t have to handle it alone.”

  “You mean that ward family stuff.” These people were seriously weird if they thought they could help me handle my mom.

  Sister Rushton smiled. “Not exactly. I meant that everyone in your life may let you down at one time or another, but the Lord will never let you down. Not ever.”

  Then why don’t I have a father? Why is my mom crying in the night? Why am I so afraid? For that matter, why am I so ugly? Right. Like I could say any of those things aloud.

  “You understand?” Sister Rushton asked. “We go through things, difficult things, so we can grow and learn, but God doesn’t abandon us to do it alone.”

  I was listening, but the feeling in my chest was odd, almost uncomfortable. The idea of God watching me was a little unsettling. I was glad when Sister Rushton fell silent. An idea occurred to me then, and I blurted it out before I could stop myself. I’m like Mom a lot that way. “Do you think I wear too much makeup?”

  Sister Rushton pursed her lips. “Do you really want to know?”

  Duh. She was the most beautiful older lady I knew. “Yes.”

  “I think you’re beautiful, like your mom, and all that makeup hides your beauty. Makeup should enhance assets, not cover them up. Makeup also marks you as a type of person, and even if that’s not the real you inside, people see the face you present to the world and treat you accordingly. It’s not fair, but that’s the way it is.” She reached over and tucked my hair behind my ear.

  I didn’t care that she was ruining my hair that I’d arranged so carefully over my face. She thought I was beautiful? “Will you show me?”

  “Sure.”

  Why not let her do my makeup? It wasn’t as if any of my new friends from school could see me, and it would make Allia happy.

  Maybe I could ask my Mom about the pills. Maybe I would dare to confront her about how she’d left them all over the kitchen floor where James might have found them. Maybe Sister Rushton could also convince Mom to not leave us again the next time she had something mysterious to do.

  Well, I wasn’t going to hold my breath. Not yet anyway.

  Chapter Twenty-Eight

  Rikki

  I was surprised when Becca emerged from her room with Kyle. Allia, back from her short walk with Lauren, rushed inside to get ready, but I stared at my daughter. She was so beautiful and so young. Helpless. Sometimes she acted grown up, but at that moment I knew she’d need me for years and years.

  Her eyes ran over me. “You feeling better?”

  “Perfect.” They didn’t have to know how much I was fighting to stay on my feet. A little food should help, though.

  Kyle leaned on me, and I put my arm around her. I felt weepy, but I told myself it was the medication.

  “Come on,” Becca said. “I’ll go hurry Allia so we can eat. Oh, and Dante called. Joel Flemming is awake and stable. He doesn’t seem to have experienced any brain damage.”

  I smiled. “That’s a relief. He’s a good man.” He’d never been anything but kind to me, though enduring daddy-daughter activities with a child who wasn’t his daughter couldn’t have been all that comfortable for him.

  At breakfast, James and Lauren promptly forgot their battle and began playing so much that Becca had her hands full keeping them at the table. She didn’t seem to mind.

  We left the older girls at the hotel’s playroom with the room keys, instructions for the lunch in Becca’s cooler, strict orders not to swim in either of the two pools until we returned, and a cell phone in case of emergency.

  The first garden was easy, with even paths and uniform beds. The next was tougher—a hilly patch of ground with ups and downs that made me sweat. The flower beds here were overgrowing with apparent abandon, but Becca pointed out how carefully the garden was tended, from the aerated soil to the tiny ties that trained the vines. As she talked, she glowed, and not for the first time I could see what Dante loved about her. I was beginning to love her myself.

  I had to rest frequently. “Sorry,” I muttered once, sinking onto a decorative metal bench. “Still a bit under the weather, I guess.”

  “Don’t be. Gives me more of a chance to feel the gardens.”

  I smiled. “Getting any ideas?”

  “Yeah. I think I should use some trellises. I’ve always been a little scared to try, but it doesn’t look all that hard after all.”

  “Yes, it does.”

  She laughed. “No, it’s kids that are hard.”

  “You can say that again. Speaking of that, I was really surprised when Kyle came out with you this morning.” I didn’t add that once I’d known everything about my daughter but suddenly she’d become a bit of a stranger. Becca understood the way teens grew up better than I did. “I like what you did with her makeup.”

  “She’s a beautiful girl.”

  “I wish you’d tell her that.”

  “I did.”

  I felt a rush of gratitude toward her, knowing how far that would go with Kyle. We sat on the bench in silence for several minutes. A bird flitted overhead, its shadow passing over the cobblestone walkway. I found myself wishing for the courage to finally confide my secret to someone, but a group of people came toward us and the moment passed.

  Swallowing a bout of nausea, I jumped up from the bench—or tried to. In the end it was more a rolling up out of the seat. “Let’s go to the next garden,” I said. “Isn’t that the one by all those outlet malls? We should stop there and see if they have any specials. You should buy something to remember your first garden show.”

  Becca laughed and followed me down the path.

  I wished I believed in God so I could pray. I needed a miracle.

  Chapter Twenty-Nine

  Becca

  I had fun—a lot of fun. The gardens were luscious, succulent, and creative, and Rikki was marvelous company. Every time I got out my camera to record some flower or arrangement, she insisted on taking one of me. She refused to be in any of the pictures, though. “I don’t believe in pictures,” she said. “Tomorrow, I’ll no longer be who I was today.” Only once did an older couple convince her to stand in front of a beautiful, ten-foot lattice of miniature roses with me. At the last moment before the picture snapped, I felt Rikki’s hand inch behind my back. I threw my arm over her shoulder, and we leaned in and sang, “Cheese.”

  I was happy. I didn’t think I could feel so content at something so unrelated to my family, but it was nice, peaceful, inspiring. Whatever the future held for me and Dante, I was going to get away again, and I was going to drag them into this new world as well. I wanted to share this beauty with them, not keep it all for myself.

  At the factory outlet stores, I bought a pair of sunglasses and a red blouse that Rikki made me change into in the van. “That’s more like it,” she said. “You look like a rose.”

  Despite the fun, I found myself worrying about the kids and also about Rikki, who had begun to drag. At one garden, I tried to encourage her to wait in the van for me. She refused but did agree to wait in a long line for the snacks some enterprising children were selling in front of their parents’ garden while I perused the plants alone. I thought cutting corners might make me upset or feel cheated, but it didn’t.

  I would have, though, if it had been Dante here with me, dragging along. I’d be resentful that he wasn’t worrying about the children and that he hadn’t planned for them during the trip. I’d be upset inside that he would every so often call one of his counselors.

  Since when had I begun to think of Dante as not pulling his weight? The seed of resentment had been growing for a long, long time, if I could judge by my feelings now.

  All at once I was angry. Angry at Dante, at the monotony of my life. So angry I tightened my hands into fists to stop myself from screaming. One stiff fo
ot in front of the other, I walked the garden, seeing nothing. At the end of the path was a large fountain, where little stone children played in the water under the watchful eye of two women, both carrying urns from which water poured out regularly. One statue child stood close enough to put a hand in the falling water.

  The anger drained from me, and I sank to a bench. Was I really angry at Dante? Was it Rikki? I just didn’t know.

  I did know that I was finished seeing gardens. They were beautiful and had given me more ideas than I knew what to do with, but at the moment, I had bigger worries—like Rikki and her children and what to do about my relationship with Dante.

  It was time to go back to the hotel and then home. I had a lot of thinking to do.

  “What’s wrong?” Rikki asked when she saw my face.

  “We’re going back to the hotel,” I said.

  “Why? You love this stuff.”

  “We need to be with the kids.”

  Rikki rolled her eyes. “I knew we shouldn’t have brought them.” Yet I could see the anticipation in her face.

  “I’ve had fun,” I said. “Thanks to you.”

  Rikki grinned. “You just needed a little loosening up.”

  Within the hour, we were at the hotel pool with the kids. Though I knew Rikki was exhausted, she made a heroic effort with James, who didn’t notice anything different about his mother. Only Kyle watched her when she thought no one was looking. I wondered if she was thinking about the dance lessons or about the pills in Rikki’s purse. I hadn’t seen Rikki take any more pills, and she’d seemed normal all day, if a bit tired, which was understandable given her migraine last night.

  Rikki floated over to me and pulled herself from the water. I stifled the urge to ask her if she was okay.

  “See that guy?” she said, indicating a large thirty-something man, obviously a body-builder, who was walking into the pool area with a woman who resembled a toothpick. “James’s dad is like that. Or was. With that build, I thought he would protect me forever.”