Before I Say Goodbye Read online

  “Not today, Kyle. Please, not today.”

  Fine. “So why don’t you go out with him?”

  She sighed. “Because there’s no future in it.”

  “How do you know unless you try?” I’d thought a lot about Travis and the comment he’d made about me last night after Allia had done my makeup. “You look different.” Bad different or good different? I still didn’t know for sure, but after Allia’s encouragement and what Cory said about raccoon eyes, I thought it meant good. I’d considered doing my own makeup that way this morning, but in the end chickened out and went with what made me comfortable. What if the kids I was friendly with at school said something? I wasn’t ready for rejection or to try to fit in again somewhere else.

  Truth was, I didn’t know where I fit in. I felt unsettled. I wished I could tell Mom and she could make it all better—my mixed feelings about Allia, my so-called friends at school who were willing to buy my stolen items or my free lunch, my attraction to Travis, and especially the dance lessons I wanted more than I wanted air. Except none of this was like kissing my owie when I was small and had fallen down and skinned my knee.

  Mom didn’t answer my question about how she could know there wasn’t a future with Couch Man, and I knew she hadn’t heard.

  I’d finished cleaning the kitchen by the time she stirred. “Oh, I feel better,” she said. “Where’s James?”

  She’d passed him when she came in. Didn’t she remember?

  “Watching TV.”

  “Oh, right. Let’s go watch it with him.”

  I stared for a minute at her untouched sandwich before replying. “Okay.” I grabbed my backpack and hurried to the living room with her. James made way for us on the couch.

  After a while Mom seemed normal again, so I left and went downstairs to practice dance. I kept the volume low so I wouldn’t bother Mom and James, though they were probably too busy with the TV to notice.

  Hours fell away, and when I finally collapsed to the ground, exhausted but feeling good, I was drenched in sweat. The hair that had escaped my ponytail was matted to my head, and my body felt in desperate need of cool water. Plus, I was famished and once again craving carbs to replace the energy I’d used.

  Upstairs the house was dark and quiet, so I moved carefully as my eyes adjusted. My foot hit something by the table, and I bent to pick it up. Mom’s purse. I set it next to her still-untouched sandwich and took another step, landing on something tiny—no, a whole bunch of tiny things. I scooped up a few and opened the door of the microwave for a little more light. In my hand were small white pills. On the floor by the table lay Mom’s pill bottle, fallen over on its side, more white pills spread out on the floor.

  Hadn’t I seen her put them away? I’d have to tell her to be more careful. James might pop them in his mouth just to taste them. I brushed the pills back in with my fingers and secured the childproof cap, placing the bottle next to her purse on the table.

  The darkness felt heavy now. Oppressive.

  In the living room Mom and James were curled up together in front of the couches, bringing to mind a picture of big cats I’d seen in science a few days back. They looked peaceful. I could hear James breathing softly, but Mom’s breath came so faintly I almost couldn’t hear it.

  Forgetting all about food, I lay down next to her, my hand against her back to feel the thumping of her heart, and listened to the soft in-and-out whooshing. It was a long time before I slept.

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  Dante

  I punched in my home number, knowing Becca would be wondering where I was. “Hi, hon,” I said.

  “Are you on your way? Remember, we still have to drop the kids off at my sister’s before we head to Saint George.”

  “Uh, yeah. About that.”

  She sighed, knowing what was coming. I had a good reason for canceling our trip, and she would forgive me, but I felt terrible anyway.

  “I’m at the hospital. Joel Flemming’s had a heart attack. Steve and I gave him a blessing before they rushed him into surgery, but it’s not looking good.” My stomach twisted at the words. Joel Flemming, the man who’d been like a father to me. I wasn’t ready yet to let him go.

  “Oh, no.” Becca’s voice showed genuine concern. “Is Kate there with him?”

  “Yeah, and their children and her three sisters. You don’t need to come down, not yet. There are too many here as it is. I’ll give the Relief Society president a call so she can see about meals and such.”

  “When will the doctors know anything?”

  “He’s in surgery now. It’ll be hours before we have news. I’m coming home to grab something to eat because it looks like it’ll be a long night. I’d also like to contact as many ward members as possible and ask them to start praying, maybe even fasting. The next few hours are crucial.”

  “I’ll start calling now,” she said. Becca, my rock. Not one word of regret about the trip, though I knew she had to be disappointed.

  “Thanks. I’ll see you in a few.”

  Leaving Steve with the Flemmings for the time being, I hurried to my car. I needed to be back as soon as possible; I wanted to be there for Joel and Kate.

  As I pulled into my driveway fifteen minutes later, Rikki’s truck came down the street, sounding rather loud. The muffler must have a hole. I couldn’t remember if I’d heard her truck when the engine was on before and if had always been that way, or if it was something new.

  I pulled the car in the garage next to Becca’s van but left the door open. Rikki pulled into the driveway. James jumped from the truck and ran toward me. “Look, Bishop! I have my glasses.”

  “So you do,” I said. “Very nice. Can you see better?”

  “Yeah. It’s so cool. I can see the letters in my books, I can see the board at school, and everything. I can’t wait to show your mom. I mean, Lauren’s mom. Um, Sister . . .”

  “Sister Rushton.”

  “Yeah.”

  “She’s in the house. Go right ahead.” I indicated the back door, and he ran toward it.

  Rikki was moving a little slowly, but she finally made it up the driveway. “How are you?” I asked.

  “Good. Thanks. You?”

  “Fine.” So this was what we were reduced to. The whole conversation seemed wrong somehow.

  “I’m glad to catch you and Becca before you head off to Saint George. I was worried you’d be gone already. James was excited to show off his glasses to Becca and Lauren.”

  “We’re not going to Saint George, after all. Joel Flemming’s had a heart attack. He’s in surgery now. I can’t leave him and Kate.”

  Rikki frowned. “That’s terrible. I’m so sorry. From what I remember, he was a decent guy.”

  “He really is.” All at once the awkwardness vanished. I knew she understood exactly what Joel meant to me for all the years he’d been there when my own father barely recognized that I was alive. A few seconds of silence ticked between us. Comfortable silence, like we’d shared in our youth.

  Rikki gave her head a little shake. “Becca should go anyway. This is the last week.”

  “She’ll want to be here with Kate.”

  “I seem to remember the Flemmings having a lot of relatives, and there are plenty of people to hang out with Kate tonight and tomorrow. Becca going for one day won’t affect anything, will it?”

  “I don’t know that she’d be able to enjoy herself knowing Joel’s life is in danger.”

  Rikki snorted. “She’s not going to get through it any better sitting here and worrying. The real work will come in the recovery afterward, or . . . or in comforting Kate if . . .”

  “You’re right, but Becca won’t leave. I know her. She’ll want to know what’s going on.”

  “That’s what cell phones are for.”

 
“She won’t want to drive by herself.”

  “Are you sure about that? Are you sure you’re not just saying that because you don’t want her to go without you? So she can be here when you come home from the hospital tonight? You depend on Becca far too much, Dante. Just like you depended on me.”

  That took me by surprise. “Depended on you?”

  “Yes, Dante. On me. Except for all that homework, you couldn’t do anything without me—go to school, church, the mall. You asked me what you should wear, what classes to take. You couldn’t make a decision until we talked about it.”

  Who was this woman who could walk into my life after more than twenty years and think she knew me so well? Problem was, I suspected she was right. Next to the gospel, Becca was everything to me. I hoped I didn’t repay that trust by smothering her.

  “Becca makes her own choices, Rikki.”

  “Are you sure it’s not you or the Church who makes them? Becca needs to do something for herself every now and then, and putting things off time and time again gets old. It makes you wither inside.”

  Where was all this bitterness coming from? First toward me and now the Church? Well, she could say all she wanted about me and I wouldn’t complain, but the Church was true, and the ward family had saved both our lives. They were a large part of who we became.

  “Don’t blame the Church, Rikki. The gospel is true. If you’d only understand that, it’d bring you peace.”

  Her lip curled. “Don’t give me that. The only reason you left me and went on that mission was because your father said you should go. The first time he actually notices you and it’s to tell you to do something you didn’t even want to do. You bent over backward all through high school, getting straight A’s, never sluffing class, even trying to make him dinner most nights just so he’d spend time with you. Don’t think I don’t remember that burnt spaghetti or that stinky fish. Let’s be honest. If he’d told you to be an astronaut, you’d have applied to the space program. If he told you the moon was made of cheese, you’d have believed it as fact. You were so starved for his attention, you would have done anything to please him. That’s why you went on a mission, and you can’t say it wasn’t. You can’t say it was because you believed in the gospel. Because I knew you, Dante. I knew you as well as I knew myself.”

  I was quiet a moment as I took in her words. “You’re right. I did go on a mission because of my father—and because of others as well—Joel Flemming and our bishop among them, but that is absolutely not why I stayed. I realized that first month that being a missionary wasn’t going to change anything between me and my father. He wrote me only once the whole time I was gone.”

  “Then why did you stay?”

  “I stayed because I learned the importance of the gospel for myself, because I believed with all my heart in what I was doing.”

  Rikki frowned. “I’d thought you’d leave after a few weeks and come search for me. I’m not talking about romance, but we were everything to each other back then. Everything.”

  “I couldn’t. I’d promised God to serve.”

  “So God came first. Before me.”

  Her lost tone twisted something in my heart, but there was only one answer. “He always comes first, Rikki, and when He does, everything else falls into place.”

  Her eyes held mine, but she didn’t speak. We didn’t need to. Like siblings raised in the same household, she understood that I believed with everything I was. I had told her the truth.

  “Everything else falls into place,” she repeated. “You mean like it did with Becca.”

  I nodded.

  Her lost expression was so like the child I’d known that tears pricked behind my eyes. “Will you tell James to come out?” Rikki said, turning on her heel. “I’ll be waiting in the truck.”

  “No, come inside for a minute.” I didn’t want to let her leave like that. Maybe Becca could make her feel better somehow.

  Silently, Rikki followed me to the back door, which was slightly ajar. Though we had automatic hinges, I’d adjusted the threshold last winter to prevent the heat from escaping, and now it never closed all the way by itself, a thing I’d been meaning to fix for months.

  I pushed open the door and found Becca standing by the refrigerator, an open cooler on the floor beside her. Food for the trip, I guessed.

  “Hi, honey.”

  She met me halfway across the room, and I gave her a hug and a kiss. “Any news?” she asked. She didn’t hold my gaze, and I wondered what that meant.

  “No.”

  She pulled away. “Hi, Rikki.” No mistaking the lack of enthusiasm there. “James looks great in those glasses.”

  “He loves them. He had to come and show you.” Rikki was holding on to the back of a chair with whitened knuckles. “Where is he, anyway?”

  “With Lauren and Cory downstairs,” Becca said. “I let them play an extra half hour of video games since they’re so disappointed about not going to their cousins’ house. Have a seat, Rikki.”

  Rikki sank into the chair. “That’s tough about, uh, Brother Flemming. I’m sorry.”

  “He’ll pull through.” Why did I feel so panicked as I said it? Calm down, I told myself. I knew my fear wasn’t only for Joel but also for Rikki’s spiritual welfare. That glimpse into her bitterness had been far too revealing and left me wondering anew why she’d returned to Utah at all—and especially to the Church. She was right when she said we’d been everything to each other. That we both had others now, more important in our lives, didn’t take away the past. It also didn’t mean I had any clue as how to proceed with her now. Father, I prayed, though I wasn’t sure what exactly I was praying for.

  “We have leftovers from last night,” Becca told me. “Do you want me to heat them up?”

  I grabbed her hands. “No. I want you to go to Saint George.”

  She blinked. “What? I can’t leave now, and I’m certainly not going alone.”

  “I know how much you’ve been looking forward to it. This is the last week of the show, isn’t it?” I could feel Rikki staring at me from her chair, her eyes urging me on.

  “I have to be here for the Flemmings.”

  “You’ll only be gone until tomorrow night or Sunday morning at the latest. Others can fill in until then.”

  Her eyes glistened. “I couldn’t.”

  “You can,” Rikki said. “You should. There’s nothing you can do for them right now.”

  “There’ll always be next year.”

  “Next year something else could happen to stop you from going,” Rikki countered. “And the year after that. Something that always seems more important. Isn’t that always the way it is? Something with the kids, or the ward, or”—Rikki shot a black glare at me—“with Dante.”

  “Well, we are kind of busy,” Becca said.

  I could see as clearly as if she were shouting that she believed Rikki’s scenario would come to pass. She was probably right. Something always did seem to pop up.

  “You could take Allia,” I suggested. “She’d probably like that, and if she didn’t, there’s always the hotel pool. I’ll keep you updated by cell phone. The Flemmings will never know you weren’t sitting here worrying the entire time.”

  Becca was shaking her head, but she was smiling. “You’re nuts.”

  “About you.” My hands tightened on hers. A movement from the corner of my eye caught my attention: Rikki looking away.

  “Maybe I will,” Becca said.

  I felt a little internal resistance at that, but I squashed it. Rikki was right. I wanted Becca here for me, not for the Flemmings. I counseled people all the time that often making a better marriage was a matter of moving just a bit toward your spouse, each giving a little, no one giving too much. Becca had been giving too much, and I’d been blind to it. Maybe this could help
begin to right that wrong. “I’ll take care of the kids, or Travis will when I’m not here.”

  Becca was shaking her head. “You have no idea when you’ll be back, and I don’t want to leave Lauren so long with the boys. I’ll take her, too. It’ll be girls’ night out. Maybe you could take the boys next month.”

  Not a bad idea.

  Becca went to the basement stairs. “Kids, I need to talk to you! Please come up now.”

  I took yesterday’s leftover beef stew from the refrigerator and ladled some into a bowl.

  “Grounding is just around the corner!” Becca threatened. “Push pause now!” Magic words. Seconds later Travis, Cory, and Lauren, trailed by James, came up the stairs. Lauren went to get Allia from her bedroom.

  Allia was more than excited to go to Saint George, and Lauren was ecstatic. “Can I eat chips in the car?” she asked.

  Rikki smirked at that, and I wondered why she was still there. Didn’t she have somewhere else to go? Shouldn’t she be checking up on Kyle?

  “You’ll be able to eat some things in the car,” Becca said, “and boys, you can go somewhere with Dad next month.”

  “It better be somewhere fun,” grumbled Cory. “I don’t want to see any gardens.”

  “James does.” Lauren put her arm around James. “Can James come, Mom? He won’t get food on the floor.”

  “No, honey, he can’t. He needs to stay with his mom.”

  Everyone looked at Rikki for confirmaion. “Actually,” she drawled, “I’d like to come, too. I think a girls’ night out is exactly what I need.”

  We all stared. “It is?” Becca asked, ever polite.

  “Yeah. I meant what I said when I gave you the flyer.” Her gaze brushed mine. “It’d be fun to let your hair down. Kyle could come too, so Allia has someone to hang out with.”

  Becca took a breath and knowing her as I did, I knew she was going to say something about spending alone time with her girls, but Allia beat her to it. “That would be fun. If the little kids get sick of gardens, we can take them to the pool or something.” As if Becca would let anyone take Lauren to the pool without her, though Lauren was fishlike in her ability to swim. “Or to a park.”